1. When you’re on the phone with your boss telling him how sick you are.

But really you’re just naked.

2. When you’re taking a picture of your head to show of your new hairstyle.

But really you’re just naked.

3. When you’re having a job interview via phone.

But really you’re just naked.

4. When you’re supposed to meet up with friends and they call you to ask where you are and you’re like, “I’m in a cab. On my way.”

But really you’re still at home. And you’re just naked.

5. When you’re having a business meeting via Skype.

But you’re only wearing a shirt and your lower half is naked.

6. When you’re calling that girl you’re trying to set P with.

But really you’re just naked.

7. When you want to bake a cake and you’re mixing the butter and sugar in preparation.

And really you’re just naked.

8. When you wake up in the middle of the night and you’re hungry so you go to the kitchen to sharply cook noodles.

And you’re just naked.

9. When you’re preparing your clothes and shoes for a new work week.

But really you’re just naked.

10. When you’re online, violently arguing with some random person on Facebook.

But really you’re just naked.

11. When you’re making a purchase on an online store.

And you’re just naked.

12. When you call your side chick to tell her that you can’t do this anymore because you really love your wife and you don’t want to ruin your marriage.

And you’re just naked.

If you enjoyed this, read this next article about the weirdest sex toys a Zikoko writer found on a sex toy online shop.

I Visited Some Nigerian Sex Shops Online And Here’s What I Found

1. “I will never call my ex again”

Well, guess who’s calling their ex?

2. “I will never use (insert your most frustrating network provider here) ever again”

Then the network comes up with some ridiculously amazing tariff plan and of course, guess who’s buying a recharge card?

3. “Data is so expensive! I’m not buying data ever again!”

Yeeeaahh…right…

4. “I’m never drinking (insert favourite soda here) ever again”

Guess who’s buying a bottle of coke for lunch?

5. “I’m never drinking alcohol ever again”

We all know how that ends. TGIF and a bottle of Orijin…without the zero.

6. “I’m never going on Twitter ever again”

Uh…yeah…sure

Now if you like food very very much, this post is just for you:

1. When you realize that you’re going to have an extra year, you will want to die.

GOD NO!

2. Your sorrow will intensify if the course(s) that made you fail is a course your brain has decided not to know.

What even is this life?

3. This is you watching your classmates graduate without you.

I’m all alone.

4. Eventually you’ll find out that there are others and you’re not the only one.

“Brethren! We’re all in this together!”

5. If you were in the hostel before, you will stay in town so as to avoid people.

I don’t know anybody there abeg.

6. You will also decide to lay low anytime you go to school so you don’t have to explain to anybody why you’re still around.

Nobody must see me.

7. But every single time you step foot on campus, you will run into EVERYBODY you’ve ever known.

HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!

8. And every time this happens and you explain, they’ll be like, “Eeyah! Sorry! Take heart. All is not lost.”

Who died?

9. This is you picking elective courses to do so your GPA doesn’t crash.

I MUST NOT graduate with Certificate of Attendance.

10. This is you when your exams are coming and you still don’t know shit.

HAY GOD!

11. You will briefly consider paying someone to write your exams for you.

I’ve seen people do it na.

12. But you know it’s immediate expulsion if you’re caught so you remove your mind from there.

Before Devil uses you.

13. You will read as hard as you can in preparation.

God will crown my efforts with success.

14. You’ll write the exam and commit everything to God.

ABBA FATHER! DO NOT FORSAKE ME!!

15. Then the worst part of everything will begin. Waiting for your result to come out.

High blood pressure will almost kill you.

16. This is you when your results come out and you pass.

MAMA I MADE IT! IMMA GRADUATE!!!

17. Unless your story ends differently and you fail again like I did. Which means that you have another extra year…….

That is another story for another Zikoko post. I need to go somewhere private and wipe the tears from my eyes.

If you enjoyed this, read this next article about 18 experiences only people who attended Unilorin will relate to

18 Experiences Only People Who Attended University Of Ilorin Will Get

1. When you’re living alone, everyone thinks you’re enjoying because you’re no longer under your parent’s rules but you’re really just suffering.

2. You realise that paying rent is only one of the many things you will be spending money on.

3. You’re too tired to pick up after yourself but you realise there’s no one to do it for you.

4. You get so lonely you start talking to yourself.

5. And you get so bored you actually pick up a hobby.

6. Cooking for one is always annoying and your food always goes to waste.

7. If you don’t cook you’ll have to either have food delivered (just one more thing to spend your money on) or drink cornflakes or garri to sleep.

8. There’s no one to take care of you when you’re sick.

9. And when you hear a sound in the middle of the night there’s no one to go check it for you.

If you think living alone is bad, just see what it is like to be female, single AND live alone:

1. Sometimes, as a broke Nigerian student, you see people tweeting INSIDE AN UBER about how things are hard

2. Hardship? WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HARDSHIP?

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT IT MEANS TO BE BROKE!!

3. Have you ever fantasized about soaking garri WHILE SOAKING GARRI?

Drinking garri while thinking about drinking garri same time next tomorrow.

4. Have you ever pressed your toothpaste as if it stole your phone, then sliced it open to rub your toothbrush inside?

“Ah, the toothpaste still remain – fit use am brush like three times sef”

5. You take a girl out to buy meatpie and Coke and she says she wants egg roll too

Babe. You hurt me with the thing you did oh. You hurt me.

6. Back to that garri we mentioned. Have you ever oversoaked garri and kept it in your neighbor’s fridge to resume later?

7. Have you ever called a cousin YOU DON’T EVEN LIKE to ask about ‘mummy and daddy’ and to ask them to tell their daddy that ‘things are tait’ in school?

8. Have you ever fed yourself for an ENTIRE WEEK using the famous ‘I waka well’ technique?

“Ahannn Ignatius, long time – you’re frying egg and plantain? I didn’t even know sef. You just missed lectures and I said I should check up on you.”

9. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO BROKE YOU DONATED BLOOD SO THEY’LL GIVE YOU PUFF PUFF AND MALT?

Oh, I graduated with a silent Ph.D. in sufferhead. Chai.

10. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There are levels to being poor oh. Wow. But here are some things poor people in denial do:

1. You’ll remember all the awkward interactions you’ve ever had and shame will eat at you.

That time somebody wished you a Happy Birthday and you replied with “Same to you”.

2. You will remember that one beggar you didn’t give money and wonder if that was Jesus testing you.

Am I going to hell??!

3. You will think about the fact that you hate your job and that if you continue on this path, you’ll never be happy.

And will probably die an old and angry person.

4. You’ll wonder if you’ll ever find true love.

Because you don’t want to die old and alone.

5. You’ll wonder if you have an STD you don’t know about yet.

Because you’re a low key whore tbh.

6. You will wonder if you’re going to be a good or shitty parent.

Let my kids not end up broken and damaged like me.

7. You’ll wonder if you’re terrible at sex and all your previous sex partners just lied to you so you don’t feel bad.

Jesus!

Want another article you’ll like? Read this one.

17 Frustrating Things Every Nigerian Adult Who Lives With Their Parents Has To Deal With

1. Mr/Mrs Money Bags

These are always our favourite kinds of visitors. The big aunties and uncles that always come armed with goodies and never leave without dropping “something” in your hand when they’re leaving. Stomach infrastructure so on point it’s like they all attended the Fayose School of Stomach Infrastructure.

2. The FFO (For Food Only)

These ones will visit your house for the food. It’s all about the food. They will time it to arrive just when lunch is being prepared so that you will have no choice but to add their mouth join.

3. The Picky Eaters

These ones will refuse everything you offer them. They are either watching their weight or height, and if they even end up agreeing to take something, they will never finish anything you serve them.

4. The Poke Nosers

These ones can’t keep their opinions to themselves. They have an opinion on everything. From how you cook your food to how you discipline your children. Uncle, who asked you?

5. The Unannounced Visitor

These ones will never call or text or even “Wuzzup” before coming around. They’ll just show up, like Judgement Day, and start giving you wahala trying to think of what to offer them, getting where they will sleep ready and everything.

6. The “I Just Dropped By” Visitors

These ones are not so bad. Their visit is always quick. It usually starts and ends at the door. They just sha wanted to see your face that you’re alive and they’re gone. Finish. O pari. Shikena. No stress to go and start buying coke and groundnut.

7. The Freeloader

They might have come into your home for a visit, but before they leave they will become a part of the family. They will enter your house with one small bag, then before you know it, their possessions have full everywhere and they do not want to leave again.

And now, here’s a post on the 7 kinds of people you’ll meet at the ATM:

1. The Lazy Teacher

The one that’ll come to class and just read their note to you. They won’t explain shit. If anybody asks a question, they’ll immediately give it as an assignment to the whole class. Not because they don’t know it but they’re just too damn lazy to explain.

2. The Oversabi Teacher

This one will teach you stuff they’re supposed to and include stuff they’re not supposed to. They will ensure that you buy 12 different text books for one subject and will set exam questions from all of them. Even with all these textbooks, you’re not safe from notes because every single time they come to class, you will write no less than 7 pages. They will come to school on public holidays, days that there are strikes and will even risk their lives when there are riots going on just so they can come to school and give you notes. They are the worst.

3. The one that just likes to flog people for no (and any) reason.

That teacher that comes from home with their own assortment of canes. They will find ANY reason to flog people. You will even catch them helping other teachers flog!

4. The Joker

That one that will come to class and instead of teaching will start cracking jokes. This doesn’t sound so bad but the teachers that do this are usually not funny. All they do is crack terrible jokes the whole time they’re in class and the students have to laugh because they don’t want to fail.

5. The Pervert

You remember that teacher that used to make REALLY inappropriate sex jokes all the time? That teacher that would take ANY opportunity to have physical contact with students. Yeah. That teacher was most likely a sick pervert.

6. The Fasionista

This is that female teacher that comes to school everyday dressed like she just left the club. Short tight mini dresses/skirts, insanely high heeled shoes and the kind of insane makeup you usually only see in Lady Gaga music videos.

7. The one that thinks she’s a fashionista but really isn’t.

This is that female teacher that tries too hard to be stylish but ends up looking like a homeless person wearing clothes that haven’t been in vogue since 1995. Even her fellow teachers know that her fashion sense is shit and laugh at her behind her back.

8. The Ashewo

That one teacher (male or female) that keeps trying to hook up with other teachers. If you walk into the staff room, you’ll most likely catch them saying wildly inappropriate stuff. Also, were you really expecting a picture of an actual ashewo? LOL

9. The Snitch

That teacher that will start running to the Principal’s office to report anytime any small thing happens.

10. The Storyteller

This one will keep interrupting the day’s lesson so they can tell the class a story about that time they lived in India or some other boring ass story no one really gives a shit about. The worst thing about this is that half the time, they’re lying.

11. The Ghost

That teacher that will NEVER come to class throughout the term and will somehow be able to pull this off without the Principal finding out. Eventually they’ll show up, 3 days before exams and quietly tell the students the exam questions he/she is going to set and then disappear again.

If you enjoyed this, read this next article about 5 horror stories you definitely heard in boarding school.

5 Horror Stories From Boarding School

1. You will see the rain clouds gathering as you’re about leaving your house but you will ignore it.

You will tell yourself that you’ll get to the office before it starts. You won’t even carry umbrella.

2. Strong winds will start and one part of you will be like

Hian! Na judgement day be this?

3. It will start raining violently.

Hay God!

4. Problem is, you’re too far from your house to run back so you’ll find one small shade to hide under.

I will just wait it out.

5. But the shade you’re under doesn’t have sides and because of the strong winds, the rain is falling in a zigzag manner. You’re already getting wet.

Jesus!

6. You look around and scout for a better shade but everywhere is full.

You’re screwed.

7. After a full hour of rain drops hitting you like bullets, the rain will stop and you will continue your journey to work.

Looking like you just went swimming with your clothes.

8. There will be no bus.

Nobody knows where all the buses go when it rains.

9. The one bus you will see will triple the normal t-fare because they’re the only ones there.

300 NAIRA FROM IKEJA TO OSHODI??!! WHAT SORT OF WICKEDNESS IS THIS?!!

10. You don’t have a choice so you’ll pay and quietly curse the driver and conductor.

“Doing things like this is why you won’t enter heaven.”

11. As you get down from the bus, someone will pass in a car and splash water on you from a puddle.

What kind of life is this? Is it because I don’t have car?

12. You will get to the office and your asshole boss will ask you why you’re late.

Is this one mad? Did he not see all that rain?

13. You will explain to him but he will tell you that rain is no excuse.

This boss has a company car and driver oh.

14. You will have to sit at your desk in your wet clothes until they dry on your body which will result in cold and catarrh.

God. What did I do to deserve this?

If you enjoyed this, read this next article about the Zikoko guide for surviving the rainy season.

The Zikoko Guide To Surviving The Rainy Season

1. How much lipstick do girls swallow daily?

Like, how do y’all eat with lipstick and not swallow some of it?

2. How are girls not terrified about the concept of gluing fake eyelashes to their eyes?

How are you not freaked out by the fact that GLUE could get in your eyes and possibly blind you?? Y’all are brave oh.

3. What exactly is the point of blush?

Do you really want to look like you’re blushing ALL the time? Why?

4. How are girls not terrified that they’ll accidentally stab their eyes while applying eye liner?

HOW?! That thing looks like a tiny dagger!

5. Why do most girls like using eye shadow with glitter?

What is the point really? Isn’t the normal eye shadow enough to make the eyes look good?

6. When you guys are done with the face beat and are now prepared to go out and slay, does all the makeup feel………..heavy?

This might sound stupid but believe us when we say that all guys want to know the answer to this.

If you enjoyed this, read this next article about the makeup struggles of every Nigerian woman.

A Nigerian Woman’s Make-Up Struggles

1. When they give you an 8 o’clock appointment but won’t show up till ten.

So this is where I will spend my entire day?

2. After showing up late, they use another one hour to sweep and arrange the place.

Could you please just hurry up?

3. When you go to retouch your hair alone and they start asking you if you want to fix nails, do make up and buy aso ebi too.

I did not come here to attend owambe, I just want to make my hair.

4. When they don’t know the hairstyle but instead of saying so they start to do nonsense on your head.

Is it by force?

5. When they start combing your hair like the devil is hiding inside it.

No. No. What is you doing?? No.

6. When they’re making your hair and start pushing it anyhow.

Please na.

7. When they pour lottabody on your hair just because of setting.

It’s not enough, why don’t you add more? Let me kukuma know that I want to be swimming  in setting lotion.

8. When they finish washing your hair and your shirt looks like you just took a swim.

Did I tell you I want to take a bath?

9. When you tell them you just want a trim and they decide to give you a big chop.

Did. You. Just. Cut. All. My. Hair?

10. When they leave your hair halfway to attend to their “customer” who just walked in.

Is this life?

But really, having a bad hairdresser is one thing, having a bad hair day IS the absolute worst:

1. When you have a baby, ALL your relatives will want to give the child their own official name.

How many names do you want my child to have? Please go away.

2. Having kids means you now have little versions of you that you can send on pointless errands whenever you feel like.

“Segun! Come from upstairs and give me this remote that is two inches away from my hand.”

3. When your child gives you attitude so you have no choice but to whoop their ass.

As a father, channel your inner Jackie Chan. As a mother, channel your inner Charlie’s Angel.

4. But deep down it hurts you to see your child in pain but you know that if you spare the rod, you’ll spoil the child.

My chest.

5. This is you when you find out how much school fees are these days.

HAAAAY!

6. But you want the best for child so you still pay.

Everything I do is for you, my child.

7. When your child does well in school you’ll be like

YAAASS! THAT IS THE SEED OF MY LOINS!!!!

8. This will be you if you find out that your child refuses to learn anything and is failing terribly.

What is happening???

9. When your child becomes a teenager and starts raising shoulder for you.

See this one sha oh.

10. You will be happy to see your child now making friends and learning how to navigate life on their own.

My work is almost done.

11. But then you worry that they might join bad gang.

God pls no.

12. You will also worry that they are now doing “bad thing” so you’ll tell them this.

Also, tell them if they have sex, they’ll die.

Truth is, being a parent has a lot of ups and downs. Just look at this video

If you enjoyed this, read this next article about the Nigerian parent’s guide to sex education.

The Nigerian Parent’s Guide To ‘Sex Education’

1. 90% of the time when we walk funny, it’s because we’re trying to adjust our testicles.

We have no control over how they position themselves. It’s not our fault.

2. Pretty much every guy has low key wished he can increase the size of his penis.

Yeah. Basically we’ve considered contacting the people that send those annoying spam emails about penis enlargement.

3. We’re not as clean as most girls.

So if you see a guy who’s really clean, compliment him because there is a tiny chance that he’s doing it for you.

4. We have two voices.

Our regular speaking voice and our “Girl I like you” voice. It’s default in our factory settings.

5. We are more sensitive than you think.

Not every time macho. Sometimes we’re delicate wallflowers.

6. The sound of metal scraping on a rough surface causes physical pain that we can actually feel in our testicles.

Scratching the crown cork of a soda bottle on the ground will make any testicles in the vicinity explode.

7. We have all, at some point, fantasized about getting our nails painted.

We’ve even thought about Henna. Don’t judge us. These things look like fun.

8. Some romantic comedies are actually very entertaining but we will NEVER give them the credit they deserve out loud.

Anything with Kevin Hart gets a pass tho. Kevin Hart is awesome.

9. We don’t act like it but deep down, we want our weddings to be lit.

With the lights, cameras, cakes and every thing. Weddings are awesome! Why would we not care about ours??

10. We sit down in public a lot longer than we have to sometimes because….

….getting rid of an impromptu erection takes time.

11. We love the Snapchat flower crown filter more than we’ll ever admit.

Who doesn’t like flowers? Lol

12. We occasionally use selfie sticks.

For those days you want the perfect selfie.  We will still yab any guy that actually admits to having one sha.

13. It scares the hell out of us when we want to talk to a girl we like but she’s in the company of other girls.

Why do girls like to move around in packs sef? Oya, all of you, disperse! I want to set P.

14. We have all, at least once, sang along to Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off”.

C’mon, who wouldn’t want to get down to that sick beat??

If you enjoyed this, read this next article about the 6 questions guys secretly want to ask girls about makeup.

6 Questions Guys Secretly Want To Ask Girls About Makeup

1. This Yoruba movie with CGI

@funny_african_pics) + Follow

(It has the added benefit of featuring Odunlade in it)

2. This FalzTheBahdGuy video that will make you cry if you’re a beardless man

@falzthebahdguy + Follow

Do you have a bied that is just appropriate for carrezin, eh?

3. This video of ‘Trump’ and ‘The Pope’ that had us at the office screaming ‘WTF?’

@balleralert) + Follow

4. Have you watched one of our Zikoko videos from this week? Start with this one:

5. Did you like those? Check out our favorite video selections from LAST WEEK:

Happy Democracy Day, Nigeria!

It is very important for us to remember that no matter how tough things are, we are at least a democratic government that gets to choose its own leaders

Anywhooo. Our president (Buhari) is still missing, but Acting President Osinbajo stepped in and gave what I think is a really kick-ass stand-in speech

I’m a sucker for well-delivered speeches. I mean, that’s mostly why most of us liked Obama. Yes, we cannnn!

Also – because we know many of you may not have the time to watch the above, I have summarized the speech with ten of my top quotes from that speech. Ready?

1. This government’s work in fighting against insurgency/terrorism

2. The plan to clean up the Niger Delta (which has been a sore conversation point in recent years)

3. The plans for herdsmen clashes

4. On public complaints that the fight against corruption is just too damn slow:

5. This admission that the Nigerian economy is a huge HAIRY and downright SCARY beast

6. This intro to a ‘plan’ that essentially says ‘we know the economy is screwed, and we’re working on it’

7. This plan to make it less hellish to do business in Nigeria:

8. We are a young nation full of young people, y’all. Down with the gerontocracyyyyy!

9. This not-so subtle warning that it is okay to be frustrated with the government, but there’s a line:

10. A sneak-peek preview of the government’s focus for the next two years:

And now, here’s a photo of Osinbajo and Donald Trump!

More Zikoko!

1. The Disgusted Guys

“I’m on my period.” “Ewwww.” “Your face is ewwww but you don’t see me complaining.”

2. The DISGUSTING Boyfriends

“I’m on my period.” “Your mouth isn’t though, if you get my drift.” “Ugh.”

3. The Guys with Questions

“So, is it like, rushing like a tap?” “Do you need blood tonic to replenish all that blood?” “Are you serious that this happens EVERY MONTH? WOW.” “Is it like an injury?”

4. The Boyfriends Who Do The Least

“I’m on my period.” “Okay baby. Take your drugs, go easy yeah? See you hun. Mweh.”

5. The Boyfriends Who Do The Most (We love them!)

• “I’m on my period.” “OMG do you have spare pads? Do you want to lie down? Need a back rub? Belly rub? What will you eat? No, don’t stand up – let me fly you abroad for maintenance.”

6. The Old Testament Guy

“I’m on my period.”

“DON’T TOUCH ME WOMAN YOU ARE UNCLEAN AND MUST BE KEPT AWAY FROM THE COMMUNITY FOR SEVEN DAYS! I HOPE YOU DID NOT TOUCH THE FOOD YOU COOKED FOR ME WITH YOUR OWN HANDS?”

7. The Mansplainer

• “I’m experiencing period cramps and they’re really, really bad. I need a day off, please?” “Well, actually, this is why women don’t deserve to be paid as much as men. I bet men would handle things better if it was them with periods.”

8. The Stupid Comedian

• “I’m on my period.” “Oh wow. I’m on my apostrophe too! Hehehehehehehehe!”

9. Now read this:

Here’s a list of a couple things Nigerian women do to get into the groove when it’s sexy time:

1. Have a cool shower.

Gotta keep the surface area clean and smelling fresh. Might as well even trim the edges a little while we’re at it.

2. Remove wig.

No need letting the wig fall off by itself “in the heat of the moment”, or allow one man to come and pull it from your head in the name of making love.  Better to just jejely remove the thing and keep it safe. Brazillian wigs don’t come cheap.

3. Tying a headscarf to protect natural hair.

Especially for the naturalistas, this is very important. Somebody cannot come and have a bad hair day the following day just because of some lil’ lovin’ from the night before.

4. Removing make up

Acne is very real. And in order not to look like you just fought with your neighbour, a girl has gotta remove that layer of foundation and eyeliner before the thing clogs up all her pores. It’ll also help the “morning after” glow to shine very well sha.

5. Brush teeth

A girl has got to keep everywhere clean before doing the deed so that if she sleeps off, her morning breath will not smell like Lagos gutter.

6. Practicing seduction tricks in front of the mirror.

7. Play some music to get in the zone.

It’s SEXY TIME!

1. You can be fully in the moment and not get distracted by anything.

With random sex, you will occasionally worry about stuff like “Does this person really like me? Do they think I’m terrible at sex? Will I ever hear from them again?” But then with your spouse, you will never have to worry about any of that.

2. You perfectly understand each other’s bodies.

You don’t have to wonder if the other person likes that thing you’re doing with your tongue and you don’t have to muffle your scream when the other person bites your nipple thinking its sexy. As a married couple, you know what your spouse likes and vice versa which means you can give each other mind blowing orgasms with very little instruction. Which is why…..

3. You can have sex really fast when you need to

Perfectly understanding each other’s bodies means that sex doesn’t always need to take one hour. So when you have a limited time to “get busy” (e.g when your baby is taking a nap or you have to get up really early the next morning) and there isn’t time to waste, you can just get right to it and be done in 5 minutes.

4. Sex can be awkward and still be hilarious

Imagine how awkward it’ll be if you’re having sex with someone you haven’t known long and you mistakenly fart. You’ll pray for the ground to open up and swallow you. You don’t have to worry about this with your spouse. You can fart, try a new position (and fail) or even have a quick snack and it’s all okay. Why? Because you love each other, that’s why.

5. You don’t have to worry about STDs (If you’re a monogamous married couple)

One of the worst parts of having sex outside of marriage is wondering if the other person is really just a walking talking bag of STDs. When you’re in a committed monogamous marriage, you don’t have to have to worry about this. Unless of course one of you is secretly cheating……

6. If you decide to try kink, it’ll work better.

Really naughty kinky sex requires communication, negotiation and trust which most marriages already have tons of. So y’all are less likely to end up in the emergency room than say…… 2 people who just got together for a one night stand and decided to act out the plot of 50 Shades Of Grey.

7. You don’t have to look perfect.

Listen now, this is not something you should do all the time. We’re not saying you should let yourself go just because you’re married. What we mean is that there are times when you both want to engage in coitus (lol) but don’t want to go through the stress of preparation (e.g leg shaving etc) and you can just “get on down” because you both love each other to pieces.

8. Initiating sex is no longer a problem

Because you’re both married. Instead of dropping hints and innuendos, initiating sex will become as easy as this,

Wife: “Hey. This show is ending in 10 minutes. Wanna have sex then?”

Husband: “Ok”.

The End

More Zikoko!

15 Of The Most Hilariously Horrifying Things To Say To Your Partner During Sex

1. When you just arrived at the party and you hear jollof rice has finished.

2. When you’re next in line at your favourite bukka and they say the dodo has finished.

3. When you just get down from a cab and you can’t find your phone/wallet.

4. When the Danfo conductor asks you for your money and you can’t find your wallet.

5. Driving past Redemption Camp during a convention.

6. When you use your last money to go to the ATM and it says, “temporarily unable to dispense cash”.

7. When you get a debit alert but the ATM said transaction unsuccessful.

8. When your Nigerian parents call you by your full name.

9. Driving through Lekki during the rainy season.

10. When you’re just about to iron and NEPA takes the light.

1. When you fail in school and your father says he doesn’t understand how a child of his can be so stupid.

Ah! Me! Seed of your loins!

2. When you do something wrong and your parents whoop your ass so hard you start to question your origins.

Where did I really come from?

3. Or they have you do some really insane punishments.

These people don’t really love me sha oh.

4. When you’re coming back from church with your parents and you ask to go to Mr. Biggs because you’re hungry but they tell you to shut up because there’s rice at home.

Chai.

5. When you mistakenly give your mother attitude and she’s like, “I brought you into this world and I CAN take you out of it!”

They can’t play with you again?

6. When they find out that you snuck out of the house to see your boyfriend/girlfriend and they’re like, “We know we did not raise an ashewo”

Jesus!

7. When your sibling does something wrong and blames it on you and your parents don’t believe you when you tell them the truth.

My real parents would’ve believed me.

More Zikoko!

10 Things Only Last Born Children Will Be Able To Understand